Brother Blake's Advice 1

Sometimes I like to use this blog as a platform to help people- just recently I got an e-mail at W.B.Knoblock@gmail.com from someone who needed my help. Here is the result:



Dear Blake,
I've got a conundrum! I am a 16-year old male in high school and have a huge crush on this girl- the only problem is she thinks I'm actually a girl? I wear baggy clothing and have a feminine jaw line and I know you're thinking that I'm just imagining it, but the other week she called me "sister" and today she asked me some question about a period. Blake, help! How do I simultaneously tell her than I am a guy while also making her fall hopelessly in love with me? Can it even be done?

Signed,
Androgynous in Andover.


Dear Androgynous,

Let me tell you first that it is possible! With the right attitude and a little manipulative behavior, you can get a girl to think anything. I will say, however, that this is going to be a tricky one. Without knowing how deep into the rabbit hole of misappropriated identity you are, I'm going to make the assumption that, at this point, she doesn't have much reason to think that you are female other than your blatant lack of masculinity. And that is where we'll start.

Firstly (and foremostly), you need to exude manhood. It needs to pour from every orifice of your body like a cut artery or spurting garden hose. Every single action you perform must be full of testosterone. For example, when you walk, do not walk like you normally would, take great care to stomp your foot to the ground as hard as you can, to breathe heavily through your nose the way an angered bull would. The bull's foe is the matador, yours is a questionable chromosomal make-up. People should know that you are walking down the hall where ever they are in the building- take great care in making sure that even those behind closed doors are aware of your presence. Remember, it's not obnoxious if you're a man!

Stop bathing completely. Women are notorious for their hygiene- what is more manly than writhing in your own filth? I dare you to think of something that is. If you look at all the great men of history, Hannibal, Napoleon, Muhammad Ali, Conan the Barbarian, you never once hear about them, bathing. Historians slave over the minutia of their lives, surely if cleanliness was part of what made they such men, it would have been noted in the annals of time. If you stop bathing, she will begin to notice you. Not as some cleanly peer, but as a the squalid man you are!

Consider these two changes your first and second pitch- if done correctly she will swing her proverbial bat of false gender identification through the air without the lease bit of contact. I say this because a man does not waste his time with literary nonsense, if he must make a metaphor it will be sports related. Staying with the athletic motif, heed my next advice, for it will strike her out which, for you, will also be a home run.

After great care is taken with steps one and two, you need to close in. Surely by now she will of become aware that you probably aren't a girl. "But isn't it still embarrassing that she thought I was a girl before? What if she brings it up? My confidence will be shot!" you are most likely saying to your computer screen. My reply is simple: while she may think that, there is no way she says it. Think how embarrassing it is for you to be thought of as the opposite sex. Now multiply that by 100, and that's how embarrassing it is for her. Sure, if you still where a meager, weak-jawed loser who bathed and didn't scream with every footstep, it wouldn't be that bad for her to think you were one of her own, but now, in your immense masculinity, to even CONSIDER that at one time you were anything less that the man you are would be social suicide! You will be safe my friend, any memories of what you once where will be pushed deep down into her subconscious. As long as you aren't the guy she meets when she's 29, single, overweight, and perpetually denied affection, you'll be fine.

With part A and B successfully completed and the confidence of knowing that any negative aspects from your actions are years away, you should be a shoe-in for her love. Walk up to her, tell her she doesn't look as fat as usual (note that it is both a compliment AND a re-affirmation that her social ranking is below you) and then ask her what she is doing after school. She will say "nothing" to which you reply "well then let's get drunk at my grandparents, they are in Tucson for the week and they have some awesome mint schnapps that will get us F'ed up". I've used that line probably 500 times and it's never failed me. So there it is, Androgynous, a simple and straightforward plan to getting your girl. From Tokio Hotel to Nickelback, from Ziggy Stardust to Grace Jones, you've got yourself a A-1 plan to XY land.